Laughter is the Best Medicine

From the Summer 1999 issue of Hopes & Dreams, newsletter of the Illinois Chapter, Huntington's Disease Society of America.

Jesus is Watching

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

"The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller Jesus..."

Wrong E-mail

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE:

JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.

P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

Wisdom of the Sages

Great Truths About Life that Little Children Have Learned

* No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
* When you mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
* If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
* Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.
* You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
* Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
* Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
* Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
* You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
* Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
* The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.

Great Truths About Life that Adults Have Learned

* Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.
* There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example...I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
* One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
* The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires.
* Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
* Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.
* Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
* Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
* Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
* If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
* You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
* And why does hair hurt when it is pulled out - but not when it falls out.

Created and maintained by Renette Davis. Send comments to Renette by clicking here.

Created: July 24, 1999
Last updated: Dec. 3, 2010